when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
