i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
