I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
