I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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