so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
