So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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