Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
