My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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