i jhust puked up my retainher.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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