that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
