Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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