you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
