last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
