I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
