i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
