You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
