I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just forgot I was standing up.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
