so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Randomize
