I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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