Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
