i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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