Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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