So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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