she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
