I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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