I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
