god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
