my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
