call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
