mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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