When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
