I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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