i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize