it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize