i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
