what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
this boner is exhausting
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
