i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
