I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
