I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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