Umm I'm too high to move.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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