she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
