So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
