dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
