No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
