dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
