And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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