i think i have two assholes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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