pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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