i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
