whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
