that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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