I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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