i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
