turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
