Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
