Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
