you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
