she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
