so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
